Thoughts…

The last three years has brought so much change to my life.  I made a decision to be more optimistic and to become a positive person.  I worked hard everyday to make my glass half full.  You may scoff, but by doing this, it changed my way of thinking.  Negative people suck energy from you.  I decided that I wanted to GIVE energy to others instead.

I know it sounds crazy, but it is not an easy feat to change your attitude and outlook but after a while it became habit.  If someone rushed to a door to beat me, I would open the door for them.  Same with grocery lines- go ahead of me, I have more items than you do.  By doing this, it gave me control of each situation rather than being negative about something- I turned it into a positive and made people’s days in small ways.

I believe that this was the absolute very most important thing that God did to guide me and prepare me as we head into month 9 of moms battle. Attitude is everything… He and my family gave me confidence to change jobs, this brought me to a position that is challenging in a good way.  It surrounded me with a support group in work with so many caring people that it makes my head spin.  So the last three years has been in preparation for me to be able to keep my glass 1/2 full, my attitude good, kept my ability to laugh intact and to be the absolute best that I can be right now.

So remember if you are in a slump…sometimes the best way to change it is to change your outlook and attitude.  By doing that you will experience personal growth and it works like a magnet to draw people to you that need to be there at that time….unexplainable but true.

Don’t get me wrong….I can still be a fire breathing bitch my friends 😉 but those occasions are few and far between and it has to be a big big thing that gets me to that place.

So next time you really want to whine about something…..stop for a minute and think…..does whining give me energy? NO.  Does it draw people to me? NO.  Does it make people want me to shut up and make them want to run away? YES.

Use that energy instead to look for things to be thankful for, reasons why something could be alright, or better yet, what can be done to change it?  Is it within my control?  Hold yourself accountable for your thoughts, your actions and your abilities.  Remember, if you can’t control your life……you CAN control the way you can view it.

So here is to a ” cup 1/2 FULL” day.

WOW :)

Mom should sleep like a rock tonight.  We had visitors today!  Started with the old neighborhood gang- Mary Dirks and Richard Slack-they brought lunch, then LeAnn, then Liz and Dort, Terri Ann, then Pati and Debbie came by with home made coconut cream pie…omg it was so good. There were texts and phone calls. The house echoed with laughter- it was an uplifting day.  Laughter is the best medicine! Mom had a good breakfast and a good lunch- and home made pie for supper- I would call it an excellent day. So our spirits are good as we head into treatment tomorrow.  Thank you for this wonderful day and hope to see your faces as soon as we see how the chemo is going.  If she handles it 1/2 as well as she did last time, we are golden. Time to call this 18 hour day over with….

Water….

Note to self….don’t drink water in the evening.  I was up to go to the bathroom at 3:30.  Once again my brain woke up.  So coffee was on before 4.  Silly brain!

Mom will start chemo on Thursday morning.  We meet with the pallative care team in the afternoon.  So Monday will be the end of the first round of chemo.

EDIT- please note that the meeting with the pallative care team is strictly me requesting information on what is available to us if the need should arise.  Because I am new at this game, I need to know what resources are available if they are needed.  Because frankly…I am CLUELESS.  I have been flying by the seat of my pants -it usually works 🙂

Her radiologist nurse called to reschedule her brain scan.  Apparently Powell and Hardie never spoke to Nowak (radiation dr.) to tell him that the cancer was back.  Well, he knows now.  I imagine that he was left out of the loop because they decided that they needed chemo to fight it through out her body where as radiation only will be spot specific.

So we will wait and see what the next week brings.

Tonight- I will not drink water prior to going to bed 😉 it makes for too long of a day when my brain wakes before my body is ready to.

Called Zomer to install one more grab bar in the shower- he was there within an hour and decided he needed a shorter grab bar than what he had so he will get it tomorrow and install it in the late afternoon.  Again- I can not say enough good things about Herlan and Eric Zomer and how great they have been.  They also give mom crap and it really makes her day!!   Thank you again Zomers!!

Forest Gump….

Quotes from Forest Gump came to mind today.  I like when Forest said his mamma always had a way of explaining things so that he could understand.  Yes, life is like a box of chocolates…you never know what you will get.

Yesterday was a tough day, news came that was not unexpected…but not dealing with hearing it- was so much easier.  So the cancer is back, and it is pissed.  Very much like the doctor told us 8 months ago, that it would happen, it was a matter of when.  It is the same small cell cancer but it has mutated to a different make up.  Meaning the original chemo can not be used on it (it has to go 6 months without growing to use the same stuff) The biopsy showed it was in the lung.  So we knew that.  The scans show it is in the bone marrow and adreneal glands.  Thankfully there has been no pain associated with any of this, only shortness of breath. The Brain MRI was scheduled for 4/30 and we have been rescheduled to 4/29 and they may bump it up again.  So we won’t know “what is on her mind” until we get scans.

So our choices- mom can elect not to have treatment- that is totally her choice.  Or she can elect to start chemo this week.  She will start chemo this week.  I had to throw that in there- because we are still fighters.  The alternative- without treatment- two, possibly three weeks is all we would have.  So 5 days of chemo one month off 5 days of chemo and then scans.  They indicated that the chemo has been effective in others, and it could work or could not work- everyone is different.  So by connecting the dots, it is pretty scary to think how quick things could transpire IF the chemo doesn’t work.  So I have contacted family members and laid it out pretty much like I did here.  Because although I am her caregiver- I have not yet found that magic crystal ball that sees into the future.

So I hope I have called wolf and mom will be successful in treatment and I can say ooops- sorry about that guys 🙂 It was not as urgent as my mind and gut told me it was.  That would be so totally totally awesome.

Mom is still mobile, not bed ridden, quick witted and is still herself.  So don’t think that she is down and out…it is just that there was a twist thrown into this journey we call life.  Like she says, we are all on the same train….just in different cars.

So here is to hoping and praying that the chemo will knock it back again and give us more time.

If you planned on visiting please VISIT.  She enjoys company.

My co workers… I tell you what…..AMAZING is the only word.

I decided to take the week off.  So I went to work at 7 to reallocate my work load and see what demanded my immediate attention.  Well lets just say that I walked to my desk and there were flowers, there were inspirational messages, chocolate, subway gift cards, out back steakhouse gift card, Hyvee gift card and a box that they told me contains a certificate for a massage for me….I have not read the card even yet…Every inch of my desk showed only support.  EDIT- I just finished going through it- overwhelming……They gifted about $200 worth of gift cards…omg…humbling….

So I sat and cried for at least a half an hour- I thought wow, if I read the card I will be here for hours trying to stop sobbing.  These people are so amazingly supportive and my total A game went to hell in a handbasket….My carefully applied makeup had rearranged itself so I looked like a racoon….as Casey (a gal I work with) would say…I was a hot mess…

So did I do any work? Nope…no concentration in that area.  So I left, went to Kohls, got a rug for mom’s bath and a couple of robes for her….I couldn’t decide between the two I liked so thought hell- just get both.

So hats off to my employer and fellow employees once again.  Their thoughtfulness will never be forgotten.  Wow…I felt the love, the understanding, and they just rock.

Geraniums

Talked to mom’s neighbor Hilma last night and she was talking about covering moms geraniums last night.  I told her that I thought the freeze warning was for Tuesday into Wednesday.  So I saw the news this morning and booked it up to mom’s because although it wasn’t frost as of yet I knew the temp would drop before sunrise…so I booked it up to moms this morning at 4:30 to put them in the garage….I pulled in the driveway and they were covered up.   Thank you Hilma!!

Uncle Mike! Yes you Mike Brady!!

I know you read this everyday- call me please when you are on break tomorrow-605-351-3752.  I am up at 4 am and hit the hay at 9 so any time when I am awake would be a good time for me 😉

Busy day

Oddest thing happened today.  First I am dumb in the world of medicine and medicare.  With that being said, I had asked the Dr. for a script for oxygen for mom.  They walked her around the cancer center and she was struggling to breathe….but her oxygen level didn’t drop below 90.  So the nurse pops in and said that she wasn’t eligible for oxygen……It took a while for me to get the clarification because apparently no one quite understood the question.

Question:  Is she not eligible for a prescription because of her oxygen level?  Or is she not eligible to have it paid for by medicare?  I had to explain further that if it was because it wasn’t paid for by medicare, did we have the opportunity to get the prescription and pay for the oxygen our self?  Never seen so many blank looks in my life.  Apparently paying for stuff is out of the norm……but my redneck, dirt track side is thinking….torch tanks are cheap enough to refill- they nail you on the deposit..but that is money you can get back.

In any case- I dug my heels in and didn’t budge until I got a satisfactory answer.  I went to a home health care place and explained that my mom was going to be made more comfortable with oxygen (Dr. had no idea where we were going but the prescription was there) and how much was it for the various size tanks? They told me a price, I said how many can I take with me today? and we will write you a check.  They gave that look to each other and hooked me up with an oxygen machine that you can rent by the month.  Slick!  It reminded me a bit of a dehumidifier in size.  Cash rent per month is cheaper than a week and 1/2 worth of groceries so this was a no brainer.  So how many people are miserable and a little boost of oxygen seems to fix it…and are told they can’t get it? And they truly assume they can’t get it?  Point to ponder- had I not been persistant we would have went home and mom would have had some tough days..Her comfort officially trumps about everything else right now- and I am like a mama bear to see that she is comfortable…..she is snoozing in her recliner-breathing nice and comfortable.

We will be at the cancer center again….a lot…this week so we will have her Oxy tested each time and see if by the end of the week if we can qualify for Medicare to pay.  If not- not a huge deal.

I have more phone calls to make- so I will post about our Dr. appointment that we had today-  tomorrow after I visit with a few people.

Please say extra extra extra prayers for my mom this week.

Zomer was here today and the shower and grab bars are in!  I am so very thankful for how quickly they got everything done for us!  Mom will be bathing in comfort tonight with no steps to face.  Hats off to Zomers- I have always had the best service ever from them.  Thank you!!!!

Groceries…

Too odd…I did not realize that I forgot to buy groceries this weekend until I went to pack lunch this morning.  So I need to add that to my to do list today.

We ate at Branden’s open house yesterday for lunch and had the Canton Transit’s spaghetti supper to go last night so it never even occurred to me that we were out of edible food at our house.  No worries the cat has food so we have a happy house.

Mom and I will have a busy morning.  I think we are ready for it- I will take notes and try to not let my brain dwell on the big words that overshadow the rest of the conversation.  I am confident that they will have a doable game plan in place for us.  So today I am thinking about today and what it may bring.

Debbie Graham stopped by yesterday afternoon and brightened mom’s day yesterday- it is nice for mom to have conversations with others- we tend to run out of things to talk about and sit in comfortable silence.

If you see my car at her house, please stop by anyway, I will probably greet you and leave you 😉  my car is the silver suv.

We have a morning appointment so we won’t see our fellow Cantonites that will be there for an afternoon appointment- you know who you are and please know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Terri Ann stopped by last night, her and Cody were with friends in Missouri Valley over the weekend so I was the one that got to tell her that the little girl puppy didn’t make it.  So I gave her the shoe box containing the wee puppy to bury.  I should have sent Lady’s ashes with her to put with the puppy….yes Lady is still hanging out in the cupboard in the family room.  She was a great dog but we have not been in a rush to replace her.  Hoosier our cat filled the gap nicely, but she doesn’t clean up the food dropped on the kitchen floor like Lady did 🙂 We have been blessed with our animals.

Copy and Paste Article that NAILS IT…I took this from roadkillgoldfish.com

I don’t know how to change the font size- but this is a good read for anyone. DK

What your friends with cancer want you to know (but are afraid to say)

People with cancer are supposed to be heroic.

We fight a disease that terrifies everyone.

We are strong because we endure treatments that can feel worse than the actual malignancies.

We are brave because our lab tests come back with news we don’t want to hear.

 The reality of life with cancer is very different from the image we try to portray.

Our fight is simply a willingness to go through treatment because, frankly, the alternative sucks. Strength? We endure pain and sickness for the chance to feel normal down the road.  Brave? We build up an emotional tolerance and acceptance of things we can’t change. Faith kicks in to take care of the rest.

The truth is that if someone you love has cancer, they probably won’t be completely open about what they’re going through because they’re trying so hard to be strong.

For you.

However, if they could be truly honest and vulnerable, they would tell you:

1. Don’t wait on me to call you if I need anything.  Please call me every once in a while and set up a date and time to come over. I know you told me to call if I ever needed anything, but it’s weird asking others to spend time with me or help me with stuff I used to be able to do on my own. It makes me feel weak and needy, and I’m also afraid you’ll say “no.”

2. Let me experience real emotions. Even though cancer and its treatments can sometimes influence my outlook, I still have normal moods and feelings in response to life events. If I’m angry or upset, accept that something made me mad and don’t write it off as the disease. I need to experience and express real emotions and not have them minimized or brushed off.

3. Ask me “what’s up” rather than “how do you feel.” Let’s talk about life and what’s been happening rather than focusing on my illness.

4. Forgive me.  There will be times when the illness and its treatment make me “not myself.” I may be forgetful, abrupt or hurtful. None of this is deliberate. Please don’t take it personally, and please forgive me.

5. Just listen. I’m doing my very best to be brave and strong, but I have moments when I need to fall apart. Just listen and don’t offer solutions. A good cry releases a lot of stress and pressure for me.

6. Take pictures of us. I may fuss about a photo, but a snapshot of us can help get me through tough times.  A photo is a reminder that someone thinks I’m important and worth remembering. Don’t let me say “I don’t want you to remember me like this” when treatment leaves me bald or scarred.  This is me, who I am RIGHT NOW. Embrace the now with me.

7. I need a little time alone.  A few points ago I was talking about how much I need to spend time with you, and now I’m telling you to go away.  I love you, but sometimes I need a little solitude. It gives me the chance to take off the brave face I’ve been wearing too long, and the silence can be soothing.

8. My family needs friends. Parenting is hard enough when your body is healthy; it becomes even more challenging when you’re managing a cancer diagnosis with the day-to-day needs of your family. My children, who aren’t mature enough to understand what I’m going through, still need to go to school, do homework, play sports, and hang out with friends. Car-pooling and play dates are sanity-savers for me. Take my kids. Please.

My spouse could also benefit from a little time with friends. Grab lunch or play a round of golf together. I take comfort in knowing you care about the people I love.

9. I want you to reduce your cancer risk. I don’t want you to go through this. While some cancers strike out of the blue, many can be prevented with just a few lifestyle changes – stop smoking, lose extra weight, protect your skin from sun damage, and watch what you eat. Please go see a doctor for regular check-ups and demand follow-up whenever pain, bleeding or unusual lumps show up. Many people can live long and fulfilling lives if this disease is discovered in its early stages. I want you to have a long and fulfilling life.

10. Take nothing for granted. Enjoy the life you have right now. Take time to jump in puddles, hug the kids, and feel the wind on your face. Marvel at this amazing world God created, and thank Him for bringing us together.

While we may not be thankful for my cancer, we need to be grateful for the physicians and treatments that give me the chance to fight this thing. And if there ever comes a time when the treatments no longer work, please know that I will always be grateful for having lived my life with you in it. I hope you feel the same about me.